Step-Parents

[duluoz cats]

I was wondering what people's experiences, either as a step-parent and growing up with a step-parent have been. I'm sure there is good and bad for both.

I have a stepmother and stepfather, but my relationship with them has only ever been as an adult, they had nothing to do with raising me as my parents split when I was already married and out of the house. I recently became a stepmother myself and know that for the most part, it's pretty cool (it helps when the kids themselves are wonderful and like you a lot). But, it's also strewn with issues that natural parents might not come across.

I'd be interested in hearing what folks have to say and even what kind of advice one might have (from either perspective) for making it a success.

[Pulled pork]

My parents divorced by the time i was 12. Lived with mom and saw dad all the time (which was good). My mom got serious with a man and he moved in when I was 16/17??? Very tough giving up my role as man of the house and resented him for butting in. Not a good transition. The more he tried the more I hated him for it. Seemed like fake effort (at the time). Things got better over the years and all is well now. But the again I am 40 so you would hope things would be fine.

My advice:
Kids see through everything so don't fake it for a second.
Kids can play parents off against each other especially when they are divorced. Stay out of it and defer to dad.
Just show your true colors and they will like you or no, but it will be real.
Things take time. Period.
Being a friend to them is great but do not be afraid to parent them. Will have to happen sooner or later so do it now. As a friend they will eventually use that against their dad. I also think kids would rather have a parental figure than a friend.

Since I know you I would say that most of this won't be an issue. You are not a "standard issue mom" and you are uber cool so what's not to like. The only problem will be showing up their real mom with your coolness, straight talk and friendliness. And you are from NYC, they won't be able to put one over on you.

[NYCMacUser]

I saw your post when you first did it. A stream of memories came flooding in, and I decided I should just mind my own business and let you learn the same way the rest of us did. After reading PP, and seeing the other side of the coin, perhaps I can give you a little advice.

I had 3 step children, 2 adopted children and 2 of my own. The step children had already lost their Mom; I married their widower Dad. The 2 adopted children had lost both parents; my sister and her husband. I was a widow with 2 children.

Children are very perceptive. Even if they don't know what is going on, they have a sense of it and will take advantage of whichever side seems the weakest. You and you spouse must always be on the same page as far as the children are concerned. You need to show them a unified front. Even though they might make the noises of wanting your friendship, what they really want is your parenting. By that I mean allowing them to be children. Don't make any attempt to compete with their 'other' parent. You will always lose that battle. Their innate allegiance to their natural parent will always be stronger than their allegiance to you until they reach adulthood. Just accept who they are and work with that. You and your spouse must let them know that any disrespect towards either of you will be reflected by both of you.

Your short-term goal is to have a healthy relationship with them by the time they reach their teens.

And now comes the hard part.

House Rules.

We never made plates at mealtimes. Food was put in bowls or on platters and set in the middle of the table. You will probably not be able to make a meal that keeps everyone happy. We always offered 2 choices: take it or leave it! There was always pb&j if you hated everything on the table!

My step children were used to being punished immediately after an infraction of house rules. Mine weren't. Children know when they've done something wrong. Don't give them a chance, or better yet, don't do anything to encourage their lying to you. Punishment was handed out based on the infraction of the Rule and only after 12+ hours had passed from the time of learning of the infraction. For instance, grounding was something to be used for the most serious of broken rules—like hitting or biting—but not for borrowing a shirt or not doing your chores. We found that the 12+ hours of waiting for their punishment resulted in a whole lot of self-reflection on whatever it was that had happened. And as a result, the offender came to the meeting already remorseful and apologetic and saved us from any real punishment except, perhaps, to increase their chores for a day or so.

I wish you all the success in the world with your your new family and I hope you have many, many years of pleasure from having them in your life.

Oh! just one other thing, when we all have an opportunity to get together the whole conversation revolves around how much fun growing up in our house was; how I let them get away with most everything; how their friends envied them as their life was so much more permissive than theirs; and, at least for me, how they always knew they were loved.

I want to be a fly on the wall at my own funeral. You see, I told each of them that they were my favorite!